It hasn’t changed

Funny enough, when I woke up nothing has changed since yesterday.  I am still scared shitless.  I wanted out of the relationship.  I ended our marriage.  I wanted happiness.  I wanted to model for my sons that life was not about arguing, not about breaking things so you wouldn’t have to put them away, not about yelling and screaming, not about bad words.  Relationships were better than this.  Yes, we went to counseling.  Yes, I put forth full effort – even the first time we separated.  Did he?  Did he know I was serious when I said that I needed change in our relationship?  Did he know that I was serious when I told him that he may need to change his medicine or go to counseling?  I saw in our counseling sessions that he did what he had to do and put on a good front.  I never called him out on that.  He knew what he needed to do.  I also knew he wouldn’t follow through.  Now, again, here I sit.

Happiness is a journey.  Happiness is a choice.  I want happiness.  I had struggled being happy when being called stupid and worthless and whatever else he called me.  Do you know he called me a slut?  I, a slut?  I had slept with one other person before we even started dating.  How does that make me a slut?  So, does this add to my happiness?  No.  Is it changing?  No.  I guess, I needed to eliminate the toxicity in my life.  Mission accomplished.  Except for the fact that I still have to deal with him until he dies or my sons disown him – which won’t happen, and that’s okay.

So, cheers to happiness.  Cheers to this fucking cluster fuck beginning.  What’s next?  I don’t know.  But I’m on a journey to healthy relationships and happiness.  Fuck that toxicity!

No, it hasn’t changed.  I am still a divorced woman.  But I have changed!  And I am excited to be changing.

Well, there’s that.  I think I’m going to go work out.


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